Ma

I think it’s fascinating how a person’s feeling towards someone is always changing. Some grow bigger, some just shrink as the interaction isn’t there anymore. But in our case, it’s always growing, slowly but surely, from the moment I was born and hopefully up until forever.

You are always a busy woman in my eyes. I was 7 years old when every other kids had their hair styled so complexly pretty with colorful headbands yet I had to be satisfied going to school with a ponytail that dad made. You rarely had time for it, yet I understood it so well you were so tired after your 9 to 5 job. You worked so hard, getting our little family from a zero point into living comfortably like this.

You are always the most intelligent person I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I was 11 years old when I cried because you seem mad when I couldn’t get my math work right. I never understood why you were so worked up over my education until recently. As we grew older together, you shared your stories about how you were the only person among your 9 sisters and brothers that could get into university. That you managed to get a cum laude and get a stable job despite coming from an family with an unfortunate economic condition. That you felt your whole life changed just by studying and implementing them to the your career. That your only purpose now is to provide me good education so I can live more comfortably in the future.

You are always the strongest person I’ve ever known. I was 15 years old when I overheard your conversation with dad. You were crying all day, and at that night I’ve found out the reason why. It was the first time I heard your shaking voice, too weak to even get angry. My heart felt like it was being ripped and my lungs were short for air. Everything was overwhelming, even for me. Your disappointed voice, all your words to dad, I remember everything. In the morning I offered to make a cup of tea for you and you refused, telling me you didn’t want to bother anyone anymore. My soul left my body, I’ve never seen you like that before.

The conversation that night never left my head since then. I hated myself, I hated everyone. I distanced myself from people even from you, despite it’s not your fault at all. I was so disappointed with our family situation, and it shaped me into who I was. A constantly sad, pessimistic, and anxious person. As I reached a realization I needed to heal myself, I realized how much of a strong person you are. Despite of everything he did, you forgave him. You tried to look fine in front of your kids. You continue living your life as a hard-working, caring, and a loving mom for us kids. You didn’t tell anyone your feeling, not even me, not even your friends. Even now, I often worry about you who always bottle up your feelings like that.

I was 16 years old when you found out I’ve been hurting myself. The terrified look in your eyes; as if your whole life had been a lie and that you never knew me after all. You looked at me in disbelief, and I did too. I was indeed in my lowest point of life, and me being me, I never show it to anyone (except that guy who I don’t even talk to anymore). I thought that I’d never be close to you anymore and that things would become awkward between us but you took care of your own feelings and I think that was the starting point where our bond got stronger.

As time passes by, I’ve found our relationship really interesting. We just keep growing, and growing each day. We both are a reserved person who never share our feelings but your companion is enough to make me calm. As cliche as it sounds, you’re my super woman, my inspiration, and my forever healing place. I know I won’t say all of these in person to you but I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you as my mother.

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:)

:)

You fill my lungs with sweetness and you fill my head with you — Shall I write it in a letter?